


Somewhere, Primus is Laughing...

by SyntheticEuphoria



Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Community: tf_kinkmeme, Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:45:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyntheticEuphoria/pseuds/SyntheticEuphoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The results of a Decepticon and an Autobot unwittingly getting into a conversation in a human chatroom are, to say the least, rather unexpected.</p><p>Warning for mentions of sticky bits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somewhere, Primus is Laughing...

CarlWalther has joined the chatroom.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hello. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would show up. The chatroom has been oddly empty, today.

 **CarlWalther:** This room is normally more populated?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Well, it depends on the day, and what time of day, really. I take it that you have never been in here, before?

 **CarlWalther:** No. In fact, this is my first time in a chatroom.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh! Well, let me welcome you, then. This is just a general chat – anything goes, really. You don’t have to worry about censoring yourself, either – the chatroom has an 18+ rating on it.

 **CarlWalther:** I noticed. It was why I came in here, actually. I am rather tired of dealing with children.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh? Do you have little ones, then?

 **CarlWalther:** Well, it feels like it. My coworkers are quite immature.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Ah, I see. I can understand that, completely.

 **CarlWalther:** Hm.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Just the other day, a pair of the most troublesome decided to be particularly reckless. They very nearly got themselves killed.

 **CarlWalther:** Oh? How did they manage that?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Well… It is somewhat difficult to explain… I don’t know what they were trying to accomplish, but there was a welder involved. And our doctor was furious when he saw what they’d done to themselves.

 **CarlWalther:** That rather sounds like several of the idiots over here.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Have any amusing stories to share? *hopeful*

 **CarlWalther:** What is that?

 **Bilt_Tough:** What’s what?

 **CarlWalther:** The hopeful thing.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh, it’s an action. I forgot – you mentioned this being your first chatroom. I guess you’re new to speaking on the internet in general? You’ll see a lot of that. People like posting their actions using asterisk symbols. It makes it easier to express yourself. So do emotes. You’ll see happy faces and sad faces and all sorts. Like this. :D That’s a happy face, turned sideways. See the eyes and mouth?

 **CarlWalther:** Yes. Interesting, I guess.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I don’t tend to use them very often, but it happens.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh, and I use better grammar than most. You’ll see lots of typos and things when other people get on. Just ask someone to clarify if they wrote something funny.

 **CarlWalther:** I thought that you said this was an adult chatroom?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh, it is. But not everyone is all that worried about their punctuation or spelling. I cringe every once in a while when something is particularly illegible, but most everyone that comes in here is fun to talk to, regardless of their grammar.

 **CarlWalther:** I see. So… What exactly does one do in here?

 **Bilt_Tough:** General chat – you can talk about anything. Mostly, I just enjoy hearing about what others are doing in their lives, and how their days have been.

 **CarlWalther:** You find that interesting? Sounds rather boring, to me.

 **Bilt_Tough:** *shrug* To each their own. I suppose I find it interesting because it makes me feel better about what I do.

 **CarlWalther:** How does one put emphasis on a word? I am unused to communicating through type in something other than a report.

 **Bilt_Tough:** The chatroom supports HTML, so you can italicize, bold, underline, etc… Or you can just use capitals.

 **CarlWalther:** Ah.

 **CarlWalther:** I wanted to ask: What DO you do, then, that hearing about others’ lives makes you feel better about it?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Law enforcement. I enjoy being reminded that those I am protecting are leading individual lives, I suppose.

 **Bilt_Tough:** You?

 **CarlWalther:** Hm. It’s complicated. I suppose you could call it “politics”.

 **Bilt_Tough:** That sounds like fun. We deal with a fair amount of that over here, too.

 **CarlWalther:** I assume that was sarcasm?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Whoops. I sometimes forget how poorly that translates over the internet. Yes, the first sentence was sarcasm.

 **CarlWalther:** Hm.

 **CarlWalther:** By the way, you are aware that your name is misspelled?

 **Bilt_Tough:** What? Oh, that. Yes, I know that it is supposed to have a ‘u’ in it.

 **CarlWalther:** As long as you know.

 **Bilt_Tough:** It was an aesthetic choice. Trust me, a missing letter is the least of the strangeness you will see in usernames.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Actually, yours is a bit odd. Not many people use their real names. Unless it’s an alias?

 **CarlWalther:** Definitely an alias.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Ah. See, if you’d put your real name in there, I’d warn you that you probably wanted tomalek a new account and use something else. But the point is moot.

 **Bilt_Tough:** *to make

 **CarlWalther:** Typing too fast?

 **Bilt_Tough:** That, and multitasking. The paperwork never ends.

 **CarlWalther:** Ah, I understand completely.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I need a day off. Actually, better make that a week.

 **CarlWalther:** If only. Some days, it doesn’t feel worth it to bother with the imbeciles. I would tell them all to go fuck themselves for a day and leave me alone, but they would take it literally. The aftermath would not be pretty.

 **Bilt_Tough:** *chuckles*

 **CarlWalther:** No, really. The entire place would be destroyed, important objects would end up being used for inappropriate ends, and every surface would be covered in less-than-sanitary “substances.”

 **CarlWalther:** We would have to spend the entire next day cleaning up the mess.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Alright, I just laughed really loudly. I needed that.

 **CarlWalther:** Hmph. I am pleased to have been a source of amusement. *sarcasm* I really wasn’t joking.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Doesn’t matter – it was still funny. ;)

 **CarlWalther:** Is that a wink? Are you smirking at me?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Yes. I do believe that I am.

 **CarlWalther:** I have killed for less.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Relax, CW. ;) I’m here to have fun. I’m assuming that you came here for the same thing.

 **CarlWalther:** Yes, I suppose relaxing WAS the idea.

 **Bilt_Tough:** That’s the nice thing about the internet. You can cut loose and leave real life behind.

 **CarlWalther:** I suppose there are downsides, as well?

 **Bilt_Tough:** A lack of responsibility for one’s actions, rampant immaturity, people abusing the power of anonymity… Yeah, you could say that.

 **CarlWalther:** But you consider the indulgence worth it?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Completely. It’s a whole other world, waiting to be explored.

\-----

 **CarlWalther:** No, no, no. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

 **CarlWalther:** The entire concept is an anachronistic wreck, born of a desire for change from that which they had deemed evil.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Isn’t that a bit judgmental? Can you really think of a better way of doing things?

 **CarlWalther:** Of course. The problem is that, with so many checks and balances, it takes years for anything to even happen. So many personalities clashing against one another with different ideas is a recipe for disaster. You’re intelligent – you see how corrupt the system has gotten. It takes a single, strong leader to effectively make decisions. Having a few lieutenants at your side, to offer ideas and help with tactical input is one thing. But this whole three-part government is ridiculous. 

**Bilt_Tough:** The problem is not that the system was inherently _bad_. The problem is that the original planners could not accurately predict the future and all the changes that it held. You think that people from two hundred years ago could tell that inventions like computers were going to happen? Long-range, near-instant communications and airborne missiles? They planned exceedingly well for what knowledge they had at the time.

 **CarlWalther:** Hmph. And based upon their ridiculously outdated mindsets.

 **Bilt_Tough:** There you go, being judgmental again. Change of common perceptions and beliefs takes time; those men were brilliant, considering the era that they lived in. The problem is not in the idea, but in how things have changed since then, allowing loopholes to come forth, and all sorts of things that couldn’t possibly have been conceived of back then to be invented.

 **CarlWalther:** Even so, the men who came up with those ideas were a SMALL group of like-minded individuals. That is the only reason that they were able to come to any sort of conclusions at all, and only reinforces my belief that such a large government is ridiculous.

 **Bilt_Tough:** *sigh*

 **CarlWalther:** You’re acting all high and mighty again, with that kind of reaction.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I’m sorry, I just…

 **CarlWalther:** You just?

 **Bilt_Tough:** I feel like I’ve had this argument before. It wasn’t – not exactly. It didn’t turn out well.

 **CarlWalther:** By not turning out well, you mean that you lost?

 **Bilt_Tough:** I lost, but not the way you mean.

 **Bilt_Tough:** It’s complicated.

 **CarlWalther:** Hm. Shall we call it a day, then?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Yes. I should be getting back to work, anyway.

 **CarlWalther:** You should stop taking your work home with you. It’s stressing you out, not having an escape.

 **Bilt_Tough:** You’re not exactly one to talk.

 **CarlWalther:** I know. Go get some rest, and we can continue our discussion on your so-called American Government tomorrow. I am determined that you should understand my point of view.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I’ll promise to keep an open mind if you do the same.

CarlWalther has left the chatroom [disconnected].

Bilt_Tough has left the chatroom [disconnected].

\-----

Bilt_Tough has joined the chatroom.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hi, Carl.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hello?

 **Bilt_Tough:** It’s been 20 minutes. I am going to assume that you are afk. Or at least not looking at this window.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Come to think of it… I don’t think I’ve ever seen you on here afk before. You always get on after me.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Sorry, Carl, I can’t wait. Something just came up.

Bilt_Tough has left the chatroom.

Bilt_Tough has joined the chatroom.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Sorry I had to run out.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Wow, are you _still_ afk? It’s been hours. I’m surprised nobody else has popped in here in the meantime.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Then again, maybe they came and left once they realized that you weren’t really here. Haha.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Okay, I’m starting to worry. You never go afk, even if it’s just for a few minutes. You always log off and come back.

CarlWalther has left the chatroom [connection timed out].

Bilt_Tough has left the chatroom [disconnected].

\-----

CarlWalther has joined the chatroom.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hello, Carl.

 **CarlWalther:** Hello, BT.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Where were you yesterday? Seriously, I started to think that you’d had a heart attack at your desk or something.

 **CarlWalther:** Oh, yes. That. I must admit I laughed a bit when I came back to see that wall of text on my screen…

 **Bilt_Tough:** Not funny. Where were you anyway?

 **CarlWalther:** Aww, is dear little BT sad that he didn’t get to talk to me? Looks like you aren’t really “bilt” all that tough, after all…

 **Bilt_Tough:** Shut up. I can _hear_ the evil smirk in your voice, transmitted through written type or not.

 **CarlWalther:** C: 

**Bilt_Tough:** Bastard.

 **CarlWalther:** I aim to please.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hmph. You still didn’t answer my question. Which I have now asked _twice_.

 **CarlWalther:** Hm? Oh.

 **CarlWalther:** I got a business call almost right after I logged in. I had to run out to the office right away to take care of a potentially explosive problem. I didn’t realize I hadn’t closed the window until after I returned, and by then I had timed out.

 **Bilt_Tough:** *sigh* Well, at least you’re okay.

 **CarlWalther:** You really were worried, weren’t you?

 **Bilt_Tough:** …Maybe.

 **CarlWalther:** How sweet.  <3

 **Bilt_Tough:** You’re still giving me the evil smirk, aren’t you?

 **CarlWalther:** Yup.

\-----

CarlWalther has joined the chatroom.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hello Carl~

 **CarlWalther:** Hello, BT.

 **Bilt_Tough:** What you doing?

 **CarlWalther:** Sitting at my desk, talking to an idiot over the internet. As always.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Well thats not very nice. Meany. Somebody should spank you.

 **CarlWalther:** …Who are you, and what have you done with BT?

 **Bilt_Tough:** He’s tied up under the berth. I’m his evil clone.

 **Bilt_Tough:** And I may or may not be a little tiny bit drunk.

 **CarlWalther:** Really? Well, that’s interesting.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hmmm?

 **CarlWalther:** You’re always so uptight. We’ve been chatting on here nearly every day for several weeks, and I didn’t know you were even capable of loosening up enough to get plastered.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Didnt get a choice. The others thretened to hold me down and pour it down my throat fi didn’t drink with them.

 **CarlWalther:** …

 **Bilt_Tough:** I see that grin on yor face. Stop it!

 **CarlWalther:** Noooo, of course I’m not grinning.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Your a bastard.

 **CarlWalther:** Yes, I believe that has been covered in prior conversations. Also, your grammar appears to have taken a hit from the alcohol.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Alcohol?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh oh oh… Yeah.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Me. Drunk. Alcohol. Sorry not all here right now.

 **CarlWalther:** I noticed.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Pffft. Like youd be any better off if you’d had that much. I almost tripped over all the cubes trying to leave the room.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Bet your a lightweght.

 **CarlWalther:** I’m quite certain that I could take you.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Naaaah. I’m a big guy. They made me drink half again as much as them.

 **CarlWalther:** I assure you, I’m not exactly small, myself.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oooh that’s a nice mental image…

 **CarlWalther:** Pardon?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Haha. You know. BIG vs SMALL.

 **CarlWalther:** …

 **CarlWalther:** You mean to tell me that you are fantasizing about the size of my equipment? How scandalous of you.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I’m drunk. Its allowed. Can fantasies all I want.

 **CarlWalther:** I’m curious, now, though, as to how you picture me. I’m fairly sure it’s nowhere close to the truth.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Probably. But you remind me of this person I know so I tend to picture you loking like him.

 **CarlWalther:** Oh? And what does he look like?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Uh.

 **CarlWalther:** Yes?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Well, he’s big. Tall I mean. Probably the other kind of big too but I’ll never know. Haha. But yeah. Broad shoulders and long legs. Got a sort of rugged look going on. Sure can take a punch too.

 **CarlWalther:** Sounds like an imposing figure. I approve of being compared to him.

 **Bilt_Tough:** He’s a jerk though. Which is another reason he makes me think of you.

 **CarlWalther:** You wound me, truly.

 **Bilt_Tough:** :P

 **Bilt_Tough:** When I say he can take a punch I mean because I’ve been the one punching him.

 **CarlWalther:** Does that mean you want to punch me, too?

 **Bilt_Tough:** …Sometimes.

 **Bilt_Tough:** And then there are other times…

 **CarlWalther:** Other times?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Like right now. I’d rather bend you over a desk than punch you.

 **CarlWalther:** You really ARE drunk.

 **Bilt_Tough:** “Plastered” as you put it.

 **CarlWalther:** Who says I’d be the one on the desk? Maybe I’d rather bend YOU over.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh so you DO like me!

 **CarlWalther:** I never said that. I merely stated a preference for topping.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Actually what you did was _suggest the preference for topping. You didnt actually say you’d like it better._

 **Bilt_Tough:** Whoops italics…

 **CarlWalther:** Stick with the capitals.

 **CarlWalther:** And I would, as a matter of fact, like it better. Nobody bends me over.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Ah but is that an actual prefrence or do you just have pride issues? That would be just like him. Wanting something but being too proud to admit it.

 **CarlWalther:** I do NOT have pride issues.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Liar~

 **Bilt_Tough:** Bet I could get you to moan for me.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Maybe even scream.

 **CarlWalther:** Ha! Not likely.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I’d cuff your hands behid your back and spread your legs wide. Then slowly tease you until youre fully erect. Take you between my lips and lavish you with my tongue.

 **CarlWalther:** Are you seriously going to do this here?

 **Bilt_Tough:** And once I had you on the edge, tense and whimpring, Id make you beg me to take you.

 **CarlWalther:** You realize that anyone could come into the chat right now.

 **Bilt_Tough:** What’s wrong? Embarrassed?  >”D

 **Bilt_Tough:** *  >:D

 **CarlWalther:** No.

 **Bilt_Tough:** I dont believe you. Your afraid somebody’s gonna come in and see me talking about taking you hard.

 **CarlWalther:** Shut. Up. I am NOT embarrassed.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Such a liar. Come on Carl. Its the internet. Youre in a chatroom. I have no idea who you really are just like you don’t know who I am. Let loose a little.

 **Bilt_Tough:** You’re the one whos uptight. Maybe your coworkers should get YOU drunk.

 **CarlWalther:** Hmph. If they even tried such a thing, I would remove their heads from their shoulders before shoving them right up their backsides. And I would do so gleefully.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Kinky.

 **CarlWalther:** WILL YOU STOP THAT?

 **Bilt_Tough:** No. I dont think I will. I’m having fun.

 **Bilt_Tough:** That IS why I come here. You know. To have fun.

 **Bilt_Tough:** You should try it somtime.

 **CarlWalther:** Bastard.

 **Bilt_Tough:** That’s your title not mine.

 **CarlWalther:** I’m surprised you’re even aware that sex can be done in any position but missionary. You’re so sheltered.

 **Bilt_Tough:** And youre changing the subject. But in answer to that, I wasn’t ALWAYS the responsible leader type. Used to be a dock worker. We talked about DIRTY things to pass the time.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Hello?

 **CarlWalther:** My apologies. I spaced off for a few minutes.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Haha. Did I break you? Didn’t picture me for the low class wage-slave type huh?

 **CarlWalther:** Do not joke about slavery.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh. Sorry. I didnt mean anything by it.

 **CarlWalther:** I know. All the same…

 **Bilt_Tough:** I know your only going to get mad at me for even asking but…

 **Bilt_Tough:** Do you wanna talk about it?

 **CarlWalther:** No. But I will tell you that I’ve had personal experience.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Oh. Damn. I knew you werent from the US but I hadn’t imagined…

 **CarlWalther:** Hmph. You say that like you were born there. I know you weren’t.

 **Bilt_Tough:** You do?

 **Bilt_Tough:** Er…

 **CarlWalther:** Let’s continue our chat tomorrow. I’m tired and you need to sleep off the effects of your enforced relaxation.

 **Bilt_Tough:** Okay… Good night.

CarlWalther has left the chatroom [disconnected].

Bilt_Tough has left the chatroom [disconnected].

\-----

There was an explosion somewhere to his left; nothing huge, but enough to knock Optimus from his pedes, a rain of gravel briefly pinging off his armor. Scrambling back up, the Prime took aim at the towering form of Bruticus’ back. At this range the shot barely scorched the combiner’s armor, but it distracted him enough for Cliffjumper to get out of the way and back to a more comfortable distance.

However, the distraction worked both ways. Just as Optimus lowered his rifle, a great big fist appeared at the very edge of his vision, right before it made contact. Optics momentarily shorted with the impact, the leader of the Autobots used the momentum of the punch to roll away, shaking his helm and turning to face his opponent at the end of it. His vision reset just as a large blurr of silver plating collided with him, and they tumbled.

“Ergh… Hello, Megatron.” Optimus grappled with the other mech, each of them twisting and striking, trying to gain the upper hand even as they kept rolling. The side of a hill was decidedly not conducive to gaining leverage.

“Hello, Prime.” They reached the bottom of the slope and the Decepticon was just lucky enough to land on top. Sitting up to make sure he had room, he punched the mech beneath him, seeming pleased with the way Optimus’ head snapped to the side.

Growling, the truck twisted, almost succeeded in knocking his opponent off, and _did_ succeed in punching him right back in the face. The red and blue mech kicked out as Megatron was thrown off-balance and nearly crowed in triumph when he knocked the ex-gladiator onto his back.

Optimus had just climbed on top of him, ready to deliver another such blow, when the Decepticon spoke. “I’ll take it that you don’t have a hangover, then.”

He couldn’t help it. The comment was so unexpected that he paused and _blinked_. But then Megatron was on top of him again and he didn’t have time to wonder how the mech had known he was drunk last night. Damned cassettes had probably found a way back into the vents, despite all of Red Alert’s new security measures…

The gunformer growled, trying to maneuver Optimus onto his front, a firm grip on one arm as he twisted it. Yowling at the pain of having his shoulder wrenched, the Autobot’s knee slipped and he landed hard on the ground, chest-first. The wrist was summarily pulled up high between his shoulders, his back arching at the position as his feet scrabbled for purchase on the ground.

Megatron sat down hard on his captive’s lower back and Optimus could hear the smirk in his voice without having to turn around. “What a shame – a little twist to the arm is all it takes to get you pinned. For a Peterbilt, you’re not built very tough, are you?”

Optimus snarled and tugged, ignoring how much it hurt his shoulder. “At least I can take a punch. I knocked you right over with mine.” For some reason, that comment made the tyrant laugh, and Optimus was beginning to feel like he was missing something. Angry, he tried to reach behind him with his free arm, clawing at black hips and trying to tear at the hidden circuitry.

Merely laughing again, Megatron grabbed that hand, too, and twisted it right up next to the first one. Then he leaned down, mouth right next to the blue audio, and whispered. “Now, _who_ is it that’s going to get bent over the desk? Certainly not me.”

The Prime was about to bash his helm backwards into the smug bastard’s face, but… No. No, there was no way… No _possible_ way that he was…

Megatron licked the audio finial and chuckled again, nuzzling his cheek against it.

The weight on his back disappeared, along with the crushing grip on both wrists, and Optimus – processors still reeling from the unexpected _pleasure_ still running like hot fluid down his spinal struts – unsteadily scrambled onto his knees to see Megatron getting steadily smaller as he rose into the sky. He heard the faint call of “Decepticons, retreat!” and suppressed a shudder, optics wide.

When he got back to base, he Googled it.

Carl Walther. Carl _Walther_. As in the maker of the Walther P38… Megatron’s chosen alt-mode. Well, damn.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the TFAnonKinkMeme:  
> http://tfanonkink.livejournal.com/7561.html?thread=7708553#t7708553
> 
> This is also a prequel to another fic I'm writing for a different KinkMeme prompt. It may be a while before that one gets done, though. In the meantime, I think this works pretty well as a stand-alone one-shot. :D


End file.
